Two and a half years ago I had my first counseling appointment. At first, I was against the idea of going to therapy. Making excuses, I put off making my first appointment. A part of me knew it would be good for me, but another part of me was afraid to deal with my emotions. I was afraid that maybe my problems weren’t bad enough for me to need therapy and that I was silly or stupid for wanting help. Finally, a really good friend gave me the push I needed to finally make the appointment and I went on a weekly basis for eight months. I was lucky enough to have access to this counseling for free through my school.
There were so many things I learned during those sessions, about myself and how to process things. Most importantly, I started to learn how to take care of myself and put myself first. Taking care of my self has always been the last thing on my list of things to do and because of that my physical and mental health have suffered. I know now that sometimes it is okay to be selfish in order to survive. It is okay to fight for what I want, and to say no to something that is bad for me. I have known all of this in theory for a while, and I am working on getting better at applying it to my life. Knowing what I should do, and actually acting upon it are two very different things.
Growing up, I was bullied at home and at school. The bullying made me feel so small and worthless. It felt like I was a burden to people. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy. When you grow up with a mind set like that, it can be very hard to break those thinking habits. The one thing I know for sure is that I am strong. I have survived through so much and I will keep on surviving even when it feels like my world is crashing down. Going to therapy for help did not mean I was weak. In fact, it showed my strength and determination because I was finally willing to fight for what I needed to make me healthy. Since I started therapy, not only have I become a stronger and happier person, but a freer person as well. Friends and family noticed the change before I did.
Not everything has become sunshine and rainbows, yet I am able to look at the dark days in a different way. Also, I am able to look at my past in a different way. My therapist has changed my perspective on things, even though I kept fighting her on it. Every week I looked forward to my appointment. I am glad that someone cared about me enough to push me into going. It has been one of the best things to ever happen in my life and has lead to many other good things.
As I used to doubt but now believe, healing comes with time. Your happiness is worth fighting for.